Some general ruminations...

I think I'm kind of going crazy here re: trying to live in two languages, one of them foreign to me. I guess I realized what a lofty goal it was to be fluent by the time I'm out of here, and the fact that I'm pretty sure I won't reach it depresses me a lot, because I feel like I need to be a LOT more ahead on my Japanese than I am, and I don't know how to accelerate that. I no longer feel like the smartest person in my Japanese class, in fact I feel like one of the worst students in it, the kind of person one step behind everyone else in an embarrassing way, which is a very jarring sensation to me (the kick in the pants I needed, no doubt, but still very uncomfortable). Mostly in terms of kanji, but you know.

I find myself grateful that there still exists a language I can read smoothly and understand immediately whatever is written in it. In a time when it feels like all language is unraveling at the seams for me, that is a wonderful feeling. I am happy every time I read something in English and know that a dictionary will not be necessary. Especially something written by someone who plays around with language a lot, and you still get all of it. I don't think I ever realized just how fortunate I am in those cases.

I just hate having a conversation in Japanese and the other person asks something involving a word I don't know. It's so awkward to bust out the electronic dictionary and look it up. I just want to have a fluid conversation. I know how easy it is to get annoyed, despite yourself, with people who aren't native speakers of your language, who have accents and speak awkwardly. I don't want to put that burden on anyone I'm talking with. I just want to push past this and be able to speak and understand smoothly. I feel like after a certain point it all has to just CLICK and you've reached it. I'm intensely jealous of foreigners in Japan who have already reached that goal. It probably takes at least a year to reach, and that's with more immersion than I certainly have with my IES bubble of mainly English speaking friends (as cool as they are, of course!).

This experience, instead of confirming to myself that I am indeed a person who is talented with languages and capable of doing great things with that gift, has just made me realize how far behind I am and has made me question my ability every day. Who's to blame for that? Me, for not doing more independent intensive studying? AC, for having ridiculously easy Japanese classes that did not prepare me for this at all (ironic that I came there hoping to find a good foreign language department!)? I won't go so far as to question the ability itself, I have seen enough over years of language classes to know that it is very true that languages come easier to me than to many people. But it's still not an always-naturally-easy thing like I guess I was under the delusion that it was, or should be. Were my classes really just too easy...?

So many people have done so much more than me. How, how, how can I get to that point?

On Saturday I didn't go anywhere, just stayed in and relaxed, etc. I dunno. I hardly ever have plans for Saturday & Sunday unless I actively ask people what they're doing. I don't really know what's up with that, because on Friday when almost everyone is there we all have a lot of fun, and people will say "let's hang out more!" and then over the weekend, if people do something, I am not told. I know it's nothing personal, but it still bothers me a little. I guess I'm just not on many people's lists to call to hang out, even though they have my number and all. I don't really know how to change that, there are many people I would like to hang out with more on the weekends, but I feel weird calling/texting them...

Sunday I met Lisa in Harajuku and Betsy and Matt joined us later. I bought $35 worth of socks at my favorite sock store there, Tutuanna... WHATEVER THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL SOCKS. But I still haven't found the other things I'm looking for... vertical stripey ish semi transparent black knee-highs (like I saw this girl wearing!), black/neutral color short pleated skirt, warm-looking cold weather type skirts, tops that are not ugly. Possible cute sneakers, don't know what color yet. Maybe black boots. ohhh well. Maybe at the Shin Urayasu mall area where I got my other actually non-ugly clothes.

Quotes from within Endo-Ryo:

"Eeee! It's Hayley Mills! She was in the Parent Trap! She's my spiritual homegirl! You know... twins!"
- Brette (amidst a squee-fit)

Me: (listening to earphones) ("Life is a Highway" comes on)
Aly: (can hear the distinctive opening sounds, laughs) Life is a highwaaayy!
Me: SHUT UP!

Secret Tokyopop fact you probably didn't know: When the company was just starting, they bought copies of their licensed books at Book-Off (aka: cheap bookstore) to save money. Hee! It just really amuses me to think of Stu and Kiyomi-san buying, like, Sailor Moon and Magic Knight Rayearth at the lowest price possible. I do hope those weren't the copies they scanned, but I also wouldn't be surprised!

On the fifth floor of the building (the floor I am never on, cause the main office is on the eighth floor) there are those original copies on a bookshelf somewhere still! At least the Sailor Moon ones... they pointed them out to me on my first day. I kind of want to go take a closer look someday, too bad I never go down there!

And yeah, it does amaze me just a tiny bit to think that I am working [if for free] for the company that published the first manga I ever bought (Sailor Moon 1, baby!). Way back in seventh grade... I lent it out to like 6 people so it's kinda beat up now, but since it's out of print I ain't never letting go of that baby. But the thing is, I have become so pessimistic about actually getting a real job there someday. Like, I was reading all the editor spotlights on the website, and everyone's backstories (which, in many cases, I had no idea about!!) are so cool, and I just felt really inadequate. Plus I've convinced myself that when I graduate there won't be an opening for me (a very real possibility), and then what will I do? Sit around until one opens? ch...

Disneyland! (among other things)

Catch-up time!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Japanese test (which I got a 74 on... ugh, whatever), and then the performance of our skits. Which, by the way, let me tell you that NONE of us signed up for this or even really knew what it was going to be. At the end of every class we do skits with a partner, usually memorized since they're short, and for this it was just performing some of those skits for a larger audience. We did it before after our last test, but then it was just for the other classes and our teachers. THIS time... we walked over to the Meikai main campus and into a larger room, where we had an audience of Japanese students and had to use microphones! whaaaat!

I'm just a little annoyed because it was pretty much like we were a bunch of elementary school kids, forced to perform for others so our teachers can show us off and feel proud of themselves. Except for the part where we're all, like, adults. yeaaah. Not cool.

But I will also tell you that my skit ROCKED. Seriously. It was one of the best, if not THE best, which has been confirmed by many sources (which is good, cause I went into it not expecting much). I was a wife fighting with her husband who had come home late (played by Matt). Both of us just decided, whatever, we'll get totally into it, why not, so we did, and it paid off! :D

Then we had a little party afterwards.

ah, le sigh. Feelin' kinda down and such lately. Probably from not seeing my friends for so long. We didn't hang out Friday night like we normally do, people were split up, and I went home to sleep during the afternoon and didn't feel like joining the people that were still there at Kaihin Makuhari, even though I could have... and tomorrow there's no Kanda class, so I won't be going over there again, and it's nothing but Japanese class (which drives me crazy because of our teacher, who we STILL have even though we should have switched after the test, wtf!!) and home, where I am constantly hoping Endo-san doesn't come in, and I never feel like I can relax there, which is awful because I should, by all rights.

We figured it out, though. She went into this thinking it was like a homestay only with three people, we went into it thinking it was a dorm, and we could do what we want, less responsibility. To her the responsibility is still all there, and this apartment is still an extension of her home. Which it's not--this is dormitory housing, and we are right. So frustrating. I hate this a lot. Especially since there's no viable solution really. We're drawing up a list of complaints to show to IES staff, but I dunno if it will help.. plus she always makes sure to tell us about whatever we complain about anyway... aghhh...

Akihabara, etc

Saturday, October 7, 2006

Oooooh, I'm so happyyyy. I finally got to go to Akihabara and do everything I've been wanting to :D I got a new camera, an electronic dictionary, AND I went to a maid cafe. yay! Maid cafes are something very particular to Japan, found in the incredibly nerdy area of Akihabara, where all the dorks hang out and buy video game and anime stuff. They have waitresses dressed as maids, who are supposed to treat all the male visitors with the utmost respect and speak formally yet cutely to them, etc etc. I've been curious ever since I found out about them so it was really cool to finally get to go to one.

My camera is reallllly cool too. I'm incredibly satisfied. Canon IXY Digital 70, another Canon like my old one so I already know my way around it, it's all sleek and slim with a big screen, and just all around cool. My dictionary is really good too because it has a stylus so you can write in the kanji, which is VERY helpful when you don't know what the heck that kanji is and you don't feel like tediously looking it up by radical.

The maid cafe we went to is this one, Cos-Cha. All around Akihabara there were maids passing out flyers and we collected them and then this one looked cute so we went there. Fortunately as we approached the maid passing out that flyer, she was on her way back to the restaurant, so we just followed her there, which probably saved about 15 minutes of wandering around lost. It was pretty normal inside, except for the waitresses dressed as maids (and a few in vests/black pants, were they supposed to be guys? hahah) and all. I mean, there were normal groups of people just hanging out, nothing scary or anything. Everything was incredibly cute. We saw this guy get a coffee and the cream on top was SHAPED INTO A CAT'S HEAD, SO CUTE. I tried to get the same thing but mine just had a bunny face drawn into the surface of the liquid. Still adorable. woohoo, maid cafe!!

Rant

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

This is the direct result of Endo-san. AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

She came over about 15-30 minutes ago and seemed actually angry for the first time. Before it's just been "Oh, you should do this, okay?" trying to act all cutesy even though she's 60 years old so it doesn't work at all, but now it was just... argh. First, she's mad because of the futon thing. Here's what happened. Kudo-san (our housing director) came over this morning, apparently. We have deduced that Endo-san went immediately to the futon closet in Aly's room to show her the missing futon, which I replaced two nights ago. It was there in its place (what now, Endo-san?). Earlier this morning when I saw Kudo-san at Meikai I said to her "We didn't have any breakfast this morning" because there was nothing set out for us. There was rice, of course, and some miso soup on the stove, which apparently couldn't feed all three of us (even though Brette and I don't like it anyway, which we've told Endo-san), but not a real breakfast like any bread set out or whatever, which is what we've been having lately.

So Kudo-san tells her this, and Endo-san is very shocked and offended, because there WAS food. So of course, when she comes over we get to hear about it. After she tells me about the futon thing, and I explain and say I'm sorry (which is not good enough, apparently I should have come over to her house and apologized in person. I know you wanted me to do that, Mom, but I'm sorry, I'm not signing myself up for a long lecture if I don't have to), she starts in on the breakfast thing. She tells us like a million times how shocked she was when we said there's no food, because there WAS food, rice and miso soup, and how dare we say that. I pointed out "Brette and I don't like miso soup, and there's not enough time to eat rice always" and she says "It doesn't matter whether you like it or whether there's time, there was food there, and you said there wasn't." Whoa, WHAT? This is where WE LIVE. We PAY YOU to feed us. This has been a problem that we brought up specifically before: we can't just have rice and something else (one time we had rice and cabbage) for breakfast, there has to be more. She has been told this before.

I didn't back down. I looked right at her and I said clearly, "Awhile back, we said bread was best for breakfast because we're busy. Didn't we?" Ohhh, I was so ready for a fight. If she spoke English it would have been ON. But since I can't express all of what I'd like to say, I had to settle for that.

Then, other things. We had dishes still out from dinner, and she told us we should wash them right away. I said I was going to wash them after I finished this movie, and she said no, wash them before. Aly had left a pan out that she hadn't washed because she'd needed to catch her train (even though she'd washed all her other dishes) and Endo-san said that didn't matter, she needed to wash it right away. This has come up NUMEROUS times before. What is the big deal!? The dishes WILL get washed eventually, why do they need to be washed IMMEDIATELY?? I am SO SICK AND TIRED of her ordering us around and telling us what we need to do when WE LIVE HERE, WE ARE PAYING TO LIVE HERE, YOU ARE NOT OUR MOTHER OR GRANDMOTHER OR ANYONE WITH SUCH AUTHORITY OVER US.

Then she said that all of our rooms were dirty (how does she know? Our doors are closed, and she's not supposed to come in. We figured out that this morning with Kudo-san, they looked in all our rooms. I'm so glad they felt free to go and do that. Thanks. I don't mind Kudo-san looking in my room, but I mind Endo-san going ahead and going in when she's not supposed to, and when we're not home) and that we needed to keep them clean. You know why? Because (this is the kicker) when we leave, if she had to pay someone to clean the apartment, it'll be expensive.

OH, WHAT!??! ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME HERE?? YOU DIDN'T CLEAN BEFORE WE GOT HERE!!!!! And how does having a bunch of stuff on the floor equal PERMANENT DAMAGE THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY TO REPAIR?? It does not!!!!!! And also, this is MY ROOM. I can do whatever I want with it as long as I don't leave permanent damage. WHICH I'M NOT GOING TO.

Like, I just don't know how to get across that we ARE NOT OBLIGATED to do the things she wants us to. We don't have to wash our dishes immediately after eating, as long as they do get washed. We don't have to clean our rooms every day, they are our rooms. YOU CANNOT ORDER US AROUND. I want to say this to her, but I fear the repercussions, and I know that would just mean another long conversation, and usually I just want her to leave as soon as possible so we can RELAX.

She also said (oh, this is rich) that "This is my house. This isn't a school dorm." UM, THEN WHY DID WE ALL CHOOSE THE DORM OPTION AND WIND UP WITH THIS?!?!? THIS IS A SCHOOL DORM. IT IS NO LONGER YOUR HOUSE FOR THE TIME BEING. QUIT TRYING TO BEHAVE AS IF IT STILL IS AND WE ALL HAVE TO MIND EVERY SINGLE THING YOU WANT US TO DO.

I really seriously think we're getting gypped here. I can't believe all this freaking money that I'm paying for housing and food is GOING to her. I just can't see how she's actually using all of it, even though she apparently is. We can tell she buys the food that's on sale. But there's nothing I can do! We'll talk to Kudo-san, again, and Kudo-san will call her, again, and then--of course--WE get to hear all about it, and hear her excuses for why we're mistaken, and all of the million defenses she has for why there's no possible way what we're saying could be true. I hate overly defensive people. I hate old people who are too set in their ways. I HATE THIS!!!

(Once again... I love my roommates. I love it here... when Endo-san is not around. But it's getting to be too much. She wants to be in every aspect of our lives when we're here. Everything is her business. We're used to being independent. We're basically adults. I do not like being treated like a child and told what to do! This isn't a matter of fitting in to Japanese society, this is really getting to be things that, no matter what culture, we are not obligated to do. Plus I've ceased to think of her as the epitome of Japanese culture she seems to think she is, anyway. I feel no obligation to abide by whatever she thinks is right just because I'm in Japan.)

I'm so glad I'm going to my old host family's this weekend. SO GLAD.

Oh, god, what a freaking roller coaster of a day. I'm not one to be shaken up by drama that often so this is pretty unsettling. The futon mess with Endo-san continues, as even though she has told us she'll lend us out her futons now, I still had a different one left under my bed and she FLIPPED OUT that it was missing and lectured Aly and Brette for like hours tonight. I missed all of this because I went with Lisa to a piano concert by her piano teacher back at college, but I'm just really dreading whatever will happen next when I have to face her again. I put the futon I took back in the closet but of course it's not going to be the end of things. I know I'll get lectured again, or whatever. ugghhhh.

I just really, really don't want to have to DEAL with Endo-san, and god, I just hate that this isn't our space. She invades it at all opportunities and doesn't just let us DO THINGS our own way, on our own, she has to constantly instruct us on how to do it and it SUCKS to be living in an apartment still full of someone else's JUNK because they CANNOT STOP caring about what may happen to it while we're here. THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RENTED IT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!! I am never, ever, ever subletting or renting a house if I can HELP it. god!!! Landlords SUCK.

And there's a Japanese test on Thursday that I'm probably going to FAIL again, which will be lovely, and I STILL HATE OUR NEW TEACHER IN THAT CLASS WHY IS SHE SO INSANE. Why is my life filled with insane Japanese women that I HATE having to deal with?!
(Don't worry. This is just a rant. No, seriously, I'm really just fine overall. But this is all so aggravating!!)

Today I got to ride my bike home in the rain!! I didn't bring an umbrella and the light sprinkles we'd had all day had turned into something harder by the time I needed to get home from the station. At first I thought it would be fun and exhilarating, and then I just got completely soaked. It was okay though. I immediately hung all my clothes up to dry and spent the rest of the evening relaxing at home, finishing my Japanese homework and a translation for TOKYOPOP. I'm still just doing little things here and there but it's been fun. Stu, the CEO guy, is also here now, he'll be in Japan for the next month. He looks a little different, but he remembered me, that was cool!

I love the KFC kids meals here cause you always get the coolest, most random toys. In January I got that funky Curious George plate, this time I got a lunchbox. So cool.

I really, really like both of my roommates. We have so much fun together. Every night we sit in the living room/kitchen area with our laptops and listen to hilarious music and look at random stuff on the Internet while doing our homework/whatever. I'm pretty lucky, I guess, thinking of all the people who end up really unhappy with randomly-chosen roommates. (Then again, it'd be different if we were sharing rooms or something like that.) But despite the Endo-san shenanigans, I really enjoy living here in this situation, and I'm happy I have good roommates I can have fun with. :)
(We STILL don't have our real Internet up yet, we continue to steal wireless from our neighbors, but that's another story altogether!!!)

Hmmm, not much to saaay... last Sunday I went to Harajuku with Lisa, Matt, Allison, Priscilla, and Liz, which was lots of fun. It was nice to go back to another place I hadn't been since January. We shopped all up and down Takeshita-doori and I spent maybe a bit too much but I have lots of cool new socks now, so I consider it a fair exchange. :D! I also got one of those skirt+leggings ensembles that seem to be kind of popular now. The leggings end a little below the knee and have lace along the bottom. They're really cute. I was suspicious of this whole leggings thing because I will admit that I used to abuse leggings in elementary school, but I think it's safe for me to own a pair again.

It had been raining a little (not very hard) the 4 hours we had been wandering around though (I got a pink semi-clear umbrella! So cool) so after we got done shopping, instead of doing anything like going to Yoyogi Park (where bands play) or the bridge where the cosplaying people are, we all just went back home. Kind of laaaame, but we all said we'd come back someday when the weather was better.

Backtracking a little, last Tuesday like I said, I went to Lisa's host family's house for dinner, and we totally rode the monorail. IT WAS SOOOO COOL. The rails are above the train, and it hangs suspended from them. Watching it pull out of the station and glide away into the night over the streets and through the buildings was probably one of the coolest things I've ever seen. MONORAAAAIILLLL <3 And it was fun at her house too, her host mom made a ton of really delicious food (I forgot to bring a gift!!!!! I felt so bad) and it was really cool. When I needed to leave it was still raining really hard outside so her host mom drove me to the monorail station, which was really nice. By the time I got all the way back to where I live (this was wayyyy out in Chiba, far west of where I live, closer to Tokyo) it was only raining a little bit and I could ride my bike home no problems, even without an umbrella (like I can do that hold-the-umbrella-with-one-hand-bike-with-the-other thing anyway! I need one of those things that holds the umbrella up for you).

Dinner with Endo-san has been really weird lately. We agreed on a time for dinner: 6 pm. So first, we all get back around 6:10 one time and she tells us we're "late." Right. Now she's started bringing dinner in at 5:15 or 5:30, when usually only one or two of us is home yet, and saying "Everyone's late, huh?" Um, whaaaa? It's not even our set dinnertime! Don't say we're late! And then sometimes SHE'LL be late, and come in and tell us she didn't have time to make us anything proper and just give us something we know she warmed up really fast. Today I got home and dinner looked very promising. One of the dishes was this sort of pasta salad with lettuce bits, pasta (the kind that the Cheesy Alfredo macaroni & cheese used to have--Mom knows the kind!--so I was really excited about that) and some meat things. So I take a bite of the pasta and realize... the meat things are tuna. And I poke around it more, and I discover TINY SHELLS. What!??! She knows two of us don't eat fish!! Why is she serving us stuff with fish in it?! I tried to wash out the pasta and get rid of the fishy bits, but I couldn't. It was completely contaminated. agh!!! And I love that kind of pasta, so I really wanted to eat it! But no!! arrrgh.

Brette and I contented ourselves with going to the grocery store, where I got cream sauce and macaroni pasta so I can make my own proper pasta next Sunday. Ha! I also got a bunch of crazy candy/Pokemon themed snacks for Bekah. As soon as I can find a box to mail it in, I'm sending her stuff.

I also thought my bike was stolen today because it wasn't where I parked it in front of the station. I really got all worried, thinking I'd have to call my old host mom in tears telling her the bike got stolen, and I even entertained notions of going to the police (the police station is right next door) but wondered if they could even do anything, and I didn't even know the word for "steal"... well, it was there, just someone had moved it!! To the row behind the row I was parked in. whyyy? This has never happened before! But the most important thing is the bike was not stolen. Which is good, because who would want that old thing anyway? Well, I like riding it of course, but it's plain and silver, no allure for the hoodlums running around stealing bikes.

I am kind of dying to go to Disneyland (it'll be this weekend or the next, probably the next) but I need to get a new camera first. Mine is pretty much dead. I can get the camera duty-free too, 5% discount! So I think it's gonna have to be Akihabara this weekend if I have any say about it. I'm also really tempted to get a Nintendo DS and Pokemon, I wasn't originally that interested but some guys here bought those things and they're having a lot of fun with them. Plus I bet it'll help my Japanese a lot and be something fun to do on the train (besides listen to music and zone out), but that's another $200 purchase I probably don't need to make. Oooh, I really want a white DS though... I also think I'm going to go to the Pokemon Center in Nihombashi sometime soon. I'm gonna take a bunch of pictures and make Bekah totally jealous! :D

Our IES field trip to Nagano (1998 Winter Olympics site!!) is coming up at the end of the month too, I'm totally excited. We get to go to the monkey onsen!!! (read about it! If you click the "Japanese Macaque" link you can see a picture of the monkeys IN the hot springs pools!) And do lots of other cool stuff! yayy